Depression is not reasonable. I was talking to Jon, my husband, last night about how thinking about being depressed is so depressing because at first I blame myself, but then I remember it's not my fault, and then I feel depressed because if it's not my fault what can I even do about it? And so the cycle carries on. It's a silly thing, and I don't think like this all the time.
The guilt of letting my family down when I am immobilized by my depression is...immobilizing. Another circular thought pattern! I admit, I get into my own head too often. I tire myself out thinking in circles but I don't DO anything about it...maybe because I'm immobilized by depression.
I wrote this piece a couple of months ago. The only way to address feelings of guilt is to take it to God. He's the one who clears our names and offers us the ultimate comfort.
When I feel guilt
I feel it in the back of my throat.
I feel it in the glands
behind my jawbone.
A squeezing of my throat
and the taste of bile
tingling on my tongue.
My eyes burn
with acid moisture.
I'm immobilized,
My own personal
purgatory.
Except, there are
no amount of
indulgences you could buy
to lessen my time.
-Rose Luiten
5 comments:
Wow, this is awesome, Rose. I feel this. I live this. And your words are so powerful. My own personal purgatory...lovely line.
I am moved ... Beyond words. Hugs, honey!
I totally understand the circular thoughts trap. Been there many times but related to anxiety. It can be very hard, or near impossible, to stop the cycle.
It's good to remember God's past faithfulness, if not in your life, in His Word. Singing always helps me as I remember to live in the moment.
In my better moments of meditating on God, In my better moments of meditating on God, I've learned to accept His provision of circumstances through the filter of God shaping me to be more like His Son.
When feeling hopeless and wondering why, I remember 2 Corinthians 1, which paraphrased says that we can comfort others with the comfort we have received from Christ.
Rose, the ripples of blessing that you are creating by sharing and comforting others through your poetic musings are rippling out into eternity and drip immeasurably with purpose.
Mike
God clears our names... I love how you put that.
xox
oh my, another amazing poem that speaks to me and about me.
thank you.
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